That Foolish Phrase, "I Wouldn't Change a Thing..."
And the National Association of Intercollegiate Athletics (NAIA) takes a stand
I always liked this story about the English writer, G.K. Chesterton.
The British daily national newspaper, The Times, had reached out to various, early 20th century thinkers, writers and esteemed minds of the day. Each individual was asked to write an essay or op-ed piece responding to this simple question:
What is wrong with the world?
Apparently not too concerned with whether his response would meet The Times’ essay-length requirements, Chesterton responded:
Dear Sirs,
I am.
Yours,
G.K. Chesterton
Shakespeare would have applauded. Brevity was indeed the soul of Gilbert Keith Chesterton’s wit.
If familiar with his writings, one knows Chesterton’s answer wasn’t a glib, only-humorous response. It was honest. Its strength was its complete ownership, its zero finger-pointing badassery.
In contrast to Chesterton’s gem stands one of the most commonly-recurring -isms dropped in interviews, speeches and conversations today:
I wouldn’t change a thing because it made me the man I am today.
Hmmm.
I don’t like it.
Words matter. They’re used to see if girlfriends are willing to spend the rest of their lives with nervous, knelt-down boyfriends. They’ve started wars, too. I wouldn’t change a thing… is a seductive string that attempts machismo, a weird homage to a life of no remorse. Even weirder, it tends to be used most frequently after a confession of past transgressions, of how bad one used to be.
Drank a lot, fought a lot, made my mom cry too many times to count, but I wouldn’t change a thing cuz it all made me the man I am today.
You wouldn’t change making your mom cry if you could?
The human hydroplane, Michael Phelps, once provided a wouldn’t-change-a-thing nugget, one lacking the luster of his 23 Olympic gold medals. The most decorated Olympian in history dove into the pool of today’s trite, unoriginal phrases and emerged offering one of its dullest.
“I wouldn’t change anything,” Phelps said. “Not the good, not the bad, not the ugly. All those experiences helped mold me into who I am.”
He was referencing choices that had landed him in the public eye for reasons not affiliated with chlorinated water, including a photo of him inhaling marijuana from a pipe and two arrests on DUI charges.
I know. Weed is legal in a slew of states now and DUIs don’t make a person evil. I get all that. This isn’t an indictment of Phelps. Most have the luxury of lives lived without the microscope of fame. Many wouldn’t be employed if their lowest moments were public knowledge.
Again, no indictment of Phelps here. It is, however, an indictment of the phrase.
My (full) bag of flaws includes times I’ve yelled at my kids when angry about something else. They didn’t deserve it. As TuffGuy as it might sound, spouting of a life with “no regrets” isn’t commendable. Seems like those who do it think it is.
I wish I could change a lot. I’ve expertly put personal faults into action. My parents endured too much on my account.
Unlike what a boatload of today’s psychiatrists and therapists might say, feeling guilty isn’t always bad. Drink too much one night, sleep in and miss a son or daughter’s ballgame? We should feel guilty. Who attempts to make changes for the better without guilt? Why change anything in our lives, ever, if nothing gnaws at our conscience?
Pasts can’t be changed. We know that. All we have are resolutions to do better. If you’re as weak as I am, my condolences; you break them repeatedly. I haven’t found more practical advice than resolving again, over and over and over.
Boasting we wouldn't change anything we’ve done is arrogant, even if unintentionally. Objectively, it’s arrogant. In Robert Fulghum’s bestseller, All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, Fulghum included apologizing - saying we’re sorry - as one of the necessary, good lessons we’re taught at a young age.
That he thought society needed the reminder is worth considering.
In other news…
The NAIA recently ruled that if you’re born male, you’re male. And in the NAIA, males are all you’ll compete against.
Paraphrased, but for practical purposes, it works.
The NAIA’s decree, of course, is rooted in the University of Pennsylvania swimmer formerly known as William Thomas declaring identity as a female. Subsequently, a handful of athletes did the same. Thomas - who now goes by Lia - was allowed to join Penn’s women’s team after swimming for the men’s team from 2017 to 2020. In 2022, Thomas won the NCAA national championship in the women’s 500-yard freestyle event.
Not counting club, junior college or intramural sports, there are four options to compete as an athlete in college. The NAIA governs one; the NCAA oversees the other three (D1, D2 and D3). Is allowing Thomas to join the women’s team proof that the NCAA is wiser today than at any other time in its history, or is it proof it’s become boneheaded stupid?
It seems obvious how NAIA brass would answer the question. The measure requiring athletes participate in divisions aligned with their “male” or “female” birth certificate designations passed by a vote of 20-0.
Will the NCAA follow the NAIA’s lead? If not, is it far-fetched to wonder if NAIA schools start getting the most talented female athletes, those usually headed for D1 schools?
This might be a rambling, kooky thought, but if young women with scholarships to D1 schools know biological males can try out for and make their women’s teams, they’ll also know there’s greater chance for playing time to drastically decrease. If the NAIA remains the only division prohibiting this, it doesn’t seem too nuts to think NAIA schools start getting much more serious consideration by D1-caliber female recruits.
The first of potentially multiple class-action lawsuits was filed against the NCAA in March by 16 female athletes. They cite Title IX violations that exist in the NCAA’s current policy. If they succeed, by way of verdict or settlement, money hemorrhages have a way of changing minds. We’ll see.
Watching, waiting…
Blink-182, summing it all up.